Changes

I'm having a hard time admitting things to myself, so sorry if this doesn't "flow." I'm just trying to put my thoughts into words.

When I was in high school I was not happy with myself. When I look back at it, I wonder WTF was wrong with me. I was 5'4, and approximately 100 lbs. I wore a jacket (a varsity jacket at that) during May, just to keep covered up. I can remember buying a size 0 pants!!

I was never diagnosed with anything, eating disorder wise, but that was probably because I was great at hiding. At the beginning of high school I brought my lunch to school, and threw it away at school. I would even keep the wrappers/trash to throw away at home. We were really busy, so I could easily get away with not eating dinner, or with eating very little. I can even remember going to the doctor for a physical so I could play softball and wincing when the scale read 108.

After some major life changes that included starting over completely, I started feeling better about myself. I went to a university in Arlington, where I didn't know anyone. I met my husband that year, and he made me feel great about myself. I finally let go, and just enjoyed everything. By the end of my first year of college I weighed between 120-125. I was comfortable, and I was happy.

Fast forward to the present day. I have moved from Arlington to my present home not far away. I've gotten married, had a baby, and successfully (I think!) raised a two year old. I've accomplished alot by staying in school, owning (well paying on) a home, and a new car. In the meantime, I've gained a ton of weight. Well, maybe not a ton, but enough. I was at a point that I didn't care about how I looked because I felt great. And that mentality has caused me to weigh a total of 197 lbs. I have NEVER stated my weight in public, so this is big for me.

It seems like I can never have it all - its either a decent weight with a negative attitude towards it, or the I don't give a fuck attitude, even though I weigh close to 200 lbs. I mean, its almost twice what I was less than 5 years ago. That's hard to wrap my thoughts around.

Basically, what I'm getting at is that I'm making changes. "Lifestyle" changes, if you will. I hate that term, and the commercialization of it, but that's besides the point. Starting tomorrow I'm done snacking (except for like fruits, etc). I'm done grazing, and I'm done with soda. I know I can do this, because I've done it before. The trick this time is to keep it healthy. This is the part I'm worried about - I have a 2 year old who looks up at me. She mimicks everything I do, and I DO NOT want to teach her any part of what I had before.

I have no plans on making this a "weight loss blog." I don't want to post stats and weights and inches lost or gained. I may update about it periodically, but that's not what this post is about. I have every intention of writing down what's going on inside. If I keep it trapped in I begin to live in a dream world where skipping meals is okay. A world where we don't need food to survive. I convince myself that I am doing okay, even when I'm not.

And for anyone wondering - H. is being supportive of the plan to eat healthy. I try to talk to him about all of the other things, but he doesn't really understand. I don't expect him to, and I don't expect anyone else to. This is my way of dealing with myself and processing what I'm doing.